Posts Tagged ‘selfhelp’
Thriving During Stressful Situations
August 27, 2020
Your body feels tense, sleep is up and down, time feels like it is slipping and as soon as you feel like you have a bit of a footing on life, one more thing comes and demands your attention.
It’s hard to know what a social life looks like before COVID – but now?
It feels like survival is the only option. Thriving during stress appears to be a far-off, whimsical idea.
Well, if you somehow squeezed in the chance to read this – pause – resist the urge to skim through and think “that had some nice thoughts” and continue buzzing through your day.
Pause.
Close your eyes, if you’d like, and let yourself rest and notice all the ways in which your body and mind have been on overdrive.
As you observe the places where tension and tiredness is sitting – ask yourself how those parts of yourself have been serving you.
Are your muscles stiff and joints aching? Does your head feel like it’s swimming? Are you to the point it feels like your eyes want to close but they can’t? Does it feel like you are carrying more than you feel able? You’ve been giving so much of yourself that your body is starting to hold what you have not had time to process. Or maybe you feel if you slowed down you worry there is too much to process, and it’s easier to just keep going?
You don’t have to just “get by.” It’s time to ask for help and unburden yourself. Challenge the idea that there is nowhere to turn to. Question the thought that it’s not worth reflecting on the matters at hand. Ask yourself – is this sustainable? It’s time to move from “surviving” to thriving!
Here are some suggestions.
Turn towards your faith.
Maybe it’s been some time since you’ve felt connected to your faith or you’ve fallen away. You’re not alone! Many people fluctuate with their connection to their faith identity for many reasons. Here is a great book to look into on this: “It’s Not Supposed to Be this Way – Finding Unexpected Strength when Disappointments Leave You Shattered” by Lysa Terkeurst
Find a way to renew yourself.
Give yourself permission to care for yourself and your needs. It’s not selfish! If you ever have been on a plane, the flight attendants will inform you that in case of emergency, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you help the person beside you. What is your best way to “get some oxygen,” so to speak? Is it a day trip to the beach or the mountains? Painting? Gardening? Building a puzzle while listening to your favorite music? Is there a way to build silence and rest into your day?
Ask for help.
Many people feel they have to endure trial alone – that what they are experiencing is “too much” or a “burden” for others. Others feel they will be judged and misunderstood. Not relying on others means spreading yourself thin and is a recipe for burnout. If this is true for you, please reach out. What does your support system look like? If you are not sure who to trust or are struggling to find healing, make an appointment with a counselor who seems like a good fit for your needs – that’s what counselors are here for!
You are not meant to go this alone. If you feel like you are trying to survive and are struggling to get by, know this – you are meant to thrive, even when times are stressful!
3 Essential Tips to Build Parent-Child Relationships While Homeschooling This School Year
August 5, 2020
School looks a lot different this year not only for families in Raleigh, but for families across the nation. In March, U.S. schools were not prepared for an overnight shift to virtual learning. Now, months later, virtual learning is still looking like the best option for many many families amid the COVID-19 outbreak.
However you are feeling about back-to-school plans this fall, there are ways you can move forward in positivity and strengthen relationships with your children this school year. Here are a few tips from Foundations Family Therapy’s Founder Jamie Criswell who has been homeschooling long before the COVID-19 pandemic.
Focus on Quantity over Quality
The age-old debate about which is more beneficial, time or quality, is never more at play then when you suddenly find yourself struggling with both. How do I possibly give my child well planned out instructional time, fun time, family time etc. while also working, taking care of their younger siblings, cleaning the house and learning how to help with online learning?
We believe that “done is better than perfect”, which also translates to quantity (the amount of time) is better than quality (the perfect way to spend time) in this case. That could mean spending 10 minutes doing something your child/teen enjoys with them. Maybe build in a quick break between online learning for a walk, or turn up the music for a quick dance session.
Perhaps a 10-minute play session with Barbies or legos is just what your child needs. A simple block of just 10-15 minutes a couple of times a day can go a long way in letting your child know you care and enjoy spending time with them.
Have Lots of Grace
This whole online learning space and being home more hours than away is still new (even if you’ve now been doing it since March). You and your child are likely still coming to terms with things not being back to “normal” like we all hoped they would be by now.
Your child could be grieving the loss of what they thought school would look like this year. Lack of sports and other activities can also be disappointing.
Understand that they are missing their friends and are likely frustrated that this fall will likely not bring a return of those social interactions in the way they hoped.
You may be dealing with frustration and fear over how you’re going to juggle working with online learning and childcare. We understand! Give yourself and your child some extra grace. Be quick to forgive and recognize that each of you may be more easily agitated, angry, or sad. Acknowledge these feelings for yourself and help your child acknowledge theirs. Let them
know that you’re trying your best too and that while it may not look the way either of you wanted, there are some good things that can come from it. Try to focus on those, maybe even listing a few positives from each day with your child.
Talk it out
One thing that is sure to happen is miscommunication. Practice using the speaker-listener technique with your child to make sure that you both are feeling heard. Use “I” statements, feeling words, and short statements to describe what you would like to say. The listener can then reflect back on what they heard to ensure clarity. It goes like this:
Speaker: “I am frustrated with this assignment and I need help with understanding it”
Listener: “I hear you saying that you are frustrated and you would like for me to help you?”
Speaker: “Yes, that is it”
Though it may seem like a simple exercise, we often don’t practice it and both parties end up feeling not heard. It probably looks something like this:
Speaker: “I can’t stand This, it makes no sense!”
Listener: “What do you want me to do, you have to do your work!”
Speaker: “I’m done!”
This scenario may sound familiar and often ends in frustration and anger for both parties, with each of you feeling unheard, helpless, and not supported.
Taking the time to practice speaking and listening can help a lot when things become difficult or emotions are running high. Helping each person feel heard and understood goes a long way in building and protecting your relationship with your child (this works with partners too!) and leaves everyone feeling more connected.
Above all this school year, go easy on yourself! Remember that we all are doing the best we can! Find a plan that works for you and your family. Create schedules and routines that can help keep you on track and don’t hesitate to reach out for support!
A big part of reaching out for support is making your emotional health a priority as we continue to face these challenging times. If you or someone you love is struggling with adjustments to the new normal, we have therapists in Fuquay Varina, Raleigh and North Carolina providing in-office and telehealth services to help you thrive.
Self-Improvement Tips That Will Help You Move Forward In Success
July 16, 2020
Successful people often have a few common characteristics that have helped them move past their mental roadblocks and into a thriving mindset. There are hundreds of videos and self-help books out there that share success tips and tricks but success boils down to self-improvement and personal growth.
Here are a few things to keep in mind that can help you move forward in success…
Develop A Growth Mindset
Successful people are not afraid of making mistakes and taking on challenges. They leave their fixed mindset behind…the one telling them they’ll never change and their environment will always stay the same… to move into a growth mindset.
People who have a growth mindset view challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. They always take away lessons from the negative things that have happened in order to build resilience.
While setbacks happen to everyone, you can keep moving forward in positivity even after a few steps back. That’s what resilience is all about!
For example, instead of thinking, “I really don’t understand this new program at work. I’ll never understand it so I give up!,” try thinking with personal growth in mind, “I don’t know it yet, but I will learn.”
Don’t let the fear of failure be the voice that stands in the way of your success in life.
Create a Plan
Personal development plans help you stay on track and meet your goals. They are a good way to attain more self-awareness and figure out what aspects of personal development have been working and which aspects you need to improve.
Not sure where to start? Grab a notebook or journal and make a commitment to write each day. Evaluate your vision and your values. What does success look like and feel like to you? Create small and measurable steps to get there.
Include periodic check-ins with questions like…
Am I taking care of my mental and physical health?
Am I coping with stress effectively?
Are my goals aligned with my life vision?
Coping with Stress
Coping with stress in a healthy way is an important part of the journey to success. Stress can blur your clarity and focus. It can have an effect on how you eat, sleep, or think. Stress can dampen your productivity and create problems in meaningful relationships.
Managing stress is an important part of your overall health and wellness. Try incorporating some common stress-relieving habits like meditation, exercise, socializing, reading, or simply changing up your environment.
It is also important to know your triggers when you feel extremely overwhelmed and need a break. We understand. You’re tired of just surviving each day. You want something different. You’re ready to take your life back, to gain control over your thoughts and feelings, to repair your relationships. You were made for more than just surviving; you were made to thrive.
Our team of licensed therapists in Fuquay-Varina and Raleigh help struggling individuals, couples, and families gain hope, reclaim their foundation, and move from surviving to thriving.
How To Curb Negative Thinking
July 3, 2020
We’ve all been there…
Lost in a downward spiral of negative thinking. It’s a self-defeating cycle fueled by doubt and anxiety. It continues to build and gain momentum like a snowball down a hill taking out everything in its path.
These feelings are only intensified for those who suffer from depression and anxiety. Negative thinking can easily feel like quicksand if left unmanaged.
The good news is you can stop negative thinking in its tracks and move forward in positivity. Here are a few things to keep in mind…
Be Present
One of the best ways to stop negative thinking is to refocus your energy on the current moment. Stop and be present. The next time you feel yourself spiraling into negativity, remember to shift your thinking to the here and now.
Mindfulness techniques work to help keep you present and focused on the current moment. There are several mindfulness practices you can use to stop anxious thoughts from flooding in. Focus on your breathing. Let go of all the “what-ifs” and negative self-talk.
Tune Into Your Thoughts
You are not your thoughts.
When your thoughts are negative, they can make you feel sad, angry, and confused. Remember, thoughts are never the real you! Let your thoughts come…process them…and let them go.
As you process your thoughts, think about why you might be feeling a certain way. Many times, there’s an underlying cause to your negativity that you can work out on a deeper level. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support!
Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries in all areas of your life can help you thrive! Boundaries are important in relationships with others and with ourselves. Avoid feeling overwhelmed by learning when (and how) to say “no”. Also, don’t fall victim to the comparison trap social media sometimes presents.
When you feel your thoughts spiraling negatively, take a step back.
Stop and listen—ask yourself why they are happening.
Once you do, set some boundaries that will prevent a downward spiral of negativity in the future.
Everyone experiences negative thoughts from time to time but it’s important no to let them spiral and ruin your entire day. We’re here to help you to gain control over your thoughts and feelings. Give our office a call today!
How To Cultivate A Healthy Post-Holiday Mindset For 2020
January 17, 2020
Sometimes it’s hard to find inspiration – especially when you’re down.
Maybe the holidays have left you feeling a little derailed from your normal routine. All of the shopping, late nights and overeating can leave anyone in a major post-holiday slump this time of year.
However, as you go through this transition from the holidays back to your daily routine, it’s more important than ever to give your body and mind what they need. Here are some ways you and your family can start 2020 off on the right foot.
Rely On Your Relationships
Finding support when you need it can really be a troublesome thought for some. It’s not always easy to ask for help. Healthy relationships and connections help release feel-good neurotransmitters dopamine and oxytocin flood the brain’s reward centers, creating a deeper sense of happiness and an elevated mood.
Don’t be afraid to reach out! Having someone to talk to about your feelings whether we are stressed, angry, sad, excited, or happy is important! It is unhealthy to always have to keep our thoughts and feelings balled up.
Celebrate You
Don’t get stuck in the comparison trap social media can spark! Move at your own pace in 2020. Break down your post-holiday chores and tasks into manageable goals to help you avoid feeling overwhelmed. People who have higher self-esteem and fewer stressors in their lives tend to fare better with social comparisons.
Focus on your strengths! Instead of dwelling on your weaknesses or imperfections, celebrate your talents. Feel good about what makes you unique and use your strengths to the best of your ability.
Stay Mindful
Instead of setting a deprivation-based resolution, try focusing on positivity this year. Forget about short-term “resolutions” and focus more on developing healthy habits that will improve your overall health and wellness.
Whatever resolution or lifestyle change you pledge to make this year, it’s
essential to stay mindful every day. Mindfulness helps you stay focused which is important when goal setting. Mindfulness can help you…
Stop procrastinating and start getting real work done by controlling your
attention….end the negative cycle of self-criticism and stay focused on your goals instead of every little mistake along the way…mindfulness can do so many things!
Above all, it’s important to take care of yourself in 2020 and beyond. We understand it’s not always easy to stay mindful, optimistic, and nurture your relationships when you are suffering from depression.
If you or someone you love is struggling to thrive…our compassionate team at Foundations Family Therapy is here for you!
There’s No Medicine That Will Heal Loneliness, But Community Can
December 4, 2019
We’re told time after time how this time of year is the “most wonderful time of year”. But for some, it’s not.
For those who are grieving, the holidays can strike up a different tune. Many people have hard times remembering holidays past and, perhaps, better times.
But grief isn’t just about loss. People can grieve for many different reasons which can trigger a downward spiral into isolation and loneliness. It’s the loneliness that can cause people to feel inadequate, and struggle with feelings like worthlessness.
Loneliness doesn’t just attack when you are by yourself. You can be surrounded by a room full of people and still feel empty. As it turns out, loneliness can actually impact your physical health, too. It can increase inflammation, heart disease- even high blood pressure.
People who are lonely are at risk because they struggle to receive love and support. The good news is, finding a sense of community and connection can really help combat loneliness this holiday season.
If you’re feeling lonely in the Raleigh, NC area this holiday season, there are plenty of ways to connect and build a community of support. Here are a few ideas…
How To Combat Loneliness in Raleigh, NC
Add Some Light To Your Life
Go see one of the most spectacular Christmas light displays in the Triangle is in Wake Forest. Piper Lights is the project of a family who really loves Christmas. They’re at 5725 Fixit Shop Road, Wake Forest. The display includes 7 acres of lights that will leave you feeling bright and merry.
Grab A Quiet Coffee
The Morning Times Coffee Shop & Gallery is the perfect place to get the morning off on the right foot. If you’re feeling lonely, treat yourself to a cup of coffee and stay awhile to enjoy the friendly and comfortable atmosphere it has to offer.
Support Local Community
Visit City Market, 215 Wolfe Street, Raleigh, for a wonderful holiday shopping experience! The City Market features a unique collection of art, restaurants, and retail in downtown Raleigh so you can support local and have fun scratching items off of your gift list!
Places to Practice Self Care in Raleigh to Improve Your Mental Health
August 21, 2019
Most of us have heard the phrase “self-care” whether we have accessed support with a mental health provider before, or not. We read about it in magazines (especially ones that are trying to sell us products) – how we should ‘treat’ ourselves because we’ve worked so hard, and we’ve ‘earned it.’
I get it… because I do it too sometimes.
Sometimes I think things like: I earned that piece (er, three pieces) of dark chocolate
‘I should schedule some self-care time, like a massage or something…’, but then I don’t because life, parenting, work, {insert excuse} gets in the way.
True self-care is an intentional practice, not a quick fix or something we always schedule. It’s about nourishing ourselves.
In her groundbreaking book, Daring Greatly, Brene’ Brown, Ph.D., LMSW says, “I believe that owning our worthiness is the act of acknowledging that we are sacred. Perhaps embracing vulnerability and overcoming numbing is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits.”
Self-care does not equal selfish. We, as humans, have to do it in order to survive.
In grad school, my professors drilled ‘the importance of self-care in the care-giving professions’ into our brains. In fact, if we put our own health and wellness as the last item on our list of priorities, it usually means just the opposite where someone else needs to step in and help take care of us.
Why do we resist or avoid self-care?
Replenishing our energy is essential not just to preventing burnout, but in allowing us to thrive. So why is it hard to do?
We receive messages about what it means to be a ‘good human’ from different places including our social group, family of origin, the media, our partner, and we internalize our own narrative about what we do and do not deserve. Whether it’s feeling guilty about wanting to turn down an invitation to a party to have much-needed quiet time, or skimping on sleep in order to get those last few notes typed because you know you just
can’t (or is it “won’t”?) make it happen when everyone in your household is awake. I know- I do it too.
What are the essential elements of self-care? Yours may be different, but I’ve thought a lot about mine and here is what I’ve come up with: connection, setting good boundaries, and listening to/loving my body. I try to remember it is a practice, not a perfect.
Self Care Tip: Connect
Engage in a meaningful relationship with your community.
• Try some meet-ups!
• Get moving! Join a run, walk, or hiking club in your town.
• Volunteer with a great organization like Habitat for Humanity.
• Consider supporting BackPack Buddies or organizing your own local food or clothing drive in your neighborhood. Check out ideas on the Inter-
Faith Food Shuttle site
Self Care Tip: Set Healthy Boundaries
Saying ‘no’ sometimes allows us to recharge and to make sure we are living authentically in line with our values. Here are some tips…Listen to and love your body
• Schedule a massage!
• Or better yet, have a massage therapist come to you.
• Listen to that pain in your neck/back, and visit the chiropractor.
• Check out a yoga class and remember to breathe.
Remember: we can’t sustainably support others and bring our whole self to the table if we are depleted.
3 Ways to Make Feelings Your Friend
April 25, 2019
‘I just feel like my feelings are a nuisance.’
‘I don’t know what to do with what I feel.’
‘I push down my feelings all the time because I don’t have it as bad as other people.’
I hear these messages daily.
Feelings can be complex and depending on the messages we’ve received about what to do with feelings, it can be hard to accept how we feel and make meaning. Some simple strategies to look at feelings include recognizing feelings through curiosity, make meaning through validation and, explore connections with thoughts and behavior. Let’s make feelings your friend.
Recognizing feelings is the first step in using feelings to your advantage. If you have been exposed to an environment where feelings were not discussed or pushed away, this can be particularly challenging.
Some people are in tune with how they are feeling and for others, it can be a struggle. Try to be a curious observer about how you are feeling. Notice changes in your body such as, ‘Hmmm..I notice my hands are sweaty or I wonder why my stomach has butterflies.’ Do a Google search for ‘feeling wheels’ to help with feeling identification. We may start simply with feeling ‘sad’ but then we can further identify in the feelings wheel as feeling ‘lonely’ which is different than feeling ‘ashamed’ for instance. Clarification is helpful when validating feelings.
Ok, so we’ve identified some feelings, now what?
Often, if you are not used to having feelings validated, it can feel foreign to express it. Some ways to validate feelings can start internally with self-talk. Being aware of the feeling and telling yourself, ‘Ok, I’m feeling frustrated with this work situation right now.’
Journaling is a helpful way to log feelings and notice patterns over time. It also helps with validating that feeling. We know that feelings can come and go so rather than dwelling on the feeling, think of it as an information gathering process.
What is this feeling telling me? Sharing a feeling with a close friend may also be a helpful way to have feelings validated.
So now, feelings have been identified and validated so now we make some connections. In cognitive behavioral therapy, there is a focus on a link between our thoughts, feelings, and behavior in a triangle format. Think about how different thoughts can connect with our feelings and then connect with what we do in a situation. For instance, I have a thought that I am doing too much at work and this makes me feel worried, so I choose to talk with my supervisor about changing my workload.
If you notice patterns in your feelings related to certain situations or people, think about possible action steps that may help you in resolving that situation. Maybe it means reaching out to someone or changing habits in your life or creating more space for self-reflection.
Remember feelings aren’t your enemy!
Feelings tell us something, but it is up to us to pay attention an acknowledge them. If you have trouble with identifying, validating, or making meaning of your feelings, connect with me and I’d love to help you further explore how feelings can be your friend.
Renee Pugh, LCSW
How To Stop Blaming Yourself For Everything
April 11, 2019
Do you find yourself saying “I’m Sorry” multiple times a day?
Constantly apologizing for things you didn’t do or are out of your control?
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
The Voice Of Our Inner-Critic
Self-blame and criticism are behaviors that are learned over time. Maybe you had a particularly critical influence in your life that has taught you to over-apologize. Negative
That destructive voice inside can really hold you back from thriving in life. Negative thinking can affect everything from your relationships to performance at work or school. The good news is you can change your mindset to welcome positivity and cultivate happiness in life in a few simple steps.
Recognize Your Emotions
It’s OK to feel a variety of emotions each day. Sometimes these are negative. What’s more important is to pay attention to triggers when you sleep
Create A Plan For Positive Self Talk
If you want to stop over apologizing and blaming yourself for everything, then you need to change the way you think. Often times, people who take the blame are very compassionate. They care deeply about others and take the blame so others don’t have to experience negativity.
Start by practicing self-love and care. Speak kindly to yourself. As a general rule of thumb, if you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
Develop A ‘Glass Half Full’ Mindset
Try seeing life through a different lens! This is what we mean when we talk about going from surviving to thriving. In order to develop that thriving mindset, you’ll have to change your outlook and thinking.
View mistakes as learning opportunities. Accept challenges and defeat as part of life. Look for ways to self-improve without beating yourself up or constantly taking the blame.
Above all, remember to be kind to yourself because you are doing the best you can!
Refresh Your Mindset: How To Go From A to B Instead of A to Z
April 4, 2019
We’ve all been there before…
You set a goal to motivate yourself and one thing leads to another. Work, the kids, deadlines, soccer games, grocery shopping- where does the time go?!
Soon, a few months pass and you aren’t any closer to your big goal leaving you feeling defeated, overwhelmed, and maybe even hopeless- sound familiar?
Burnout & Stress Lead To Overwhelm
Unrealistic personal goals usually do more harm than good in the long run. You essentially set yourself up for failure by having high standards or you become too consumed with perfectionism.
When your mindset is focused on always wanting more, you
However, having motivation and goals in life is important. The good news is you can create the perfect balance of motivation without getting overwhelmed if you change your mindset.
Baby Steps Over Leaps
If you have a big goal, you don’t have to toss it out the window. Dreams and aspirations are great motivators. The key is developing a mindset that welcomes change and personal growth.
Instead of going from A to Z, take as many baby steps as you need. Try going from A to B. Think about one small thing you can (realistically) do today that will move you one step closer to the bigger goal. This mindset will help you feel motivated and accomplished which is just the fuel you need to take another baby step the next day….or week.
Practice Self-Love
Above all, on your journey to personal improvement and growth, don’t forget to be kind to yourself. Sometimes, life really does get in the way. Enjoy the moment at hand for what it is and try to refocus.
After all, life isn’t about how many times we fall, but how many times we get back up!